The problem with have anxiety is that you always have it. I never had any major problems with it until I turned 21. It was something I had all my life but never to the point of a panic attack until then. I remember the good old days when I would stress about something and then it would go away. That was magical.
Now it doesn't go away, it sits inside me festering until it just bursts out. It doesn't have to anything big anymore, it used to be over big things that was happening to me at that time in my life; finals, taking my drivers test, failing my drivers test, taking my drivers test for the second time, pretending to know what I was doing at my job. But now I can get anxiety about ANYTHING.
This morning I freaked out about not having any friends that lived near me, why you may ask? Not because I miss them or I need a girls night out, no. It was because if Clark died first and then later I died, no one would know. I could die in my house and no one know. Maybe my neighbors would eventually smell my decaying body but that could be days or weeks. I know I'll be dead so I really don't think I'll care about maggots eating away at my insides while the outside world just goes on. But I would want someone to notice I'm missing.
Then you would probably think that would make me venture out and try to make friends. Wrong! I have social anxiety and thinking about going to parties, bbq's, etc. makes me go into a panic.
Don't get me wrong I'm friendly with my neighbors. Only when I'm talking to them alone though, when Clark joins the conversation it's like my brain shuts down. I quickly become one of those quiet wives that just laughs and nods to whatever her husband says. I'm a conversationalist bobble head. I would love to hang out with them sometime but they have people over every weekend and I can't do that. I wish I had it in me to do something every weekend but I don't.
I don't want to have to take medication to be able to mingle with people but that's almost to the point I'm at now. And Oh my God it drives me crazy how easy it is for Clark to talk to anyone. I wish it was that easy for me. It make me miss living around my family because I'm myself when I'm with them. It's not as difficult for me to be around them.
Clark asked me if I ever considered going into therapy. Honestly no, it never occurred to me before. I didn't think sitting in a room with someone I didn't know talking about my social awkwardness and anxiety was going to help me with it. I'm at a loss now a days. I really don't know what to do anymore.
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